Four Loko

So a couple weeks ago we discovered the glorious cooking show epicmealtime, which exploits all aspects of meat consumption.  Following the “Chili Four Loko” episode, we were left wondering, “What exactly is Four Loko”?

A 10 second internet search later convinced me that this is something I should investigate.   In case you’re not going to click on that link to see what all of the hype is about, I’ll give you the short rundown.  Four Loko was invented by a couple of entrepreneurial OSU guys who noticed people seemed to love mixing alcohol and caffeine together.  So they threw four questionable ingredients together in a can, slapped on an epileptic-graphic label with a WE ID symbol prominently displayed by the guzzle-hole and watched the cash start flowing into their bank accounts in $2.50 increments.

What I love about this capitalistic fairytale is that four loko is a legitimate consumer product, not unlike cigarettes, alcohol or Starbucks, and it was BANNED in several states because several underage kids were hospitalized after putting the guzzle-hole to the test at a party.







So this brings me to the point of extreme curiosity…  I have to find out what draws people to this dia-beetus infused tropical flavor themed malt beverage.

This week while filling up on gas I found a large selection of FOUR LOKO  in the cooler case at the local 7-Eleven here in our good ol’ state of not prohibiting anything.  It wasn’t until I got home that I realized the folly of selecting beverages by the coloring of the packages.  Green and pink seemed innocent enough at the time of purchase, but let me tell you, Apple & Watermelon are not known for being understated flavors in the sweet drink industry.

I present to you “Watermelon Four Loko”.

Watermelon Tasting Notes:

Bouquet:  I have to say, just smelling this beverage made my teeth hurt.

Visual: opaque pink chemical-infused liquid.

Frontal Palette: carbonation, hint of other super sweet fruit overtones, cherry pie filling, RED#40 & aluminum.

Finish: headache.

Overall Rating: This should come with supplemental medical insurance.

As for the “Limited Edition” Apple variety, it was predictable, although we were rather blindsided with the cavities.

Apple Tasting Notes:

Bouquet:  apple cider meets grain alcohol and cane sugar.

Visual: liquid kryptonite.  I think the three X’s signify that this is not a beverage to take to family Christmas.

Frontal Palette: jolly rancher, artificial flavoring and alcohol.

Finish: regret.

Overall Rating: Maybe this should be banned, although it seems like anyone who actively consumes a product like this is asking for what they deserve, which in this case it would be diabetes and a short stint in the hospital.


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